


Primal Instincts UwU

by michel_de_chevin_is_married_to_a_nug



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Other, Out of Character, Out of Character Sans (Undertale), Reader is gender neutral, Tide Pods, shitty joke fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 18:11:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19873906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/michel_de_chevin_is_married_to_a_nug/pseuds/michel_de_chevin_is_married_to_a_nug
Summary: It was nearly sunset, rays of sunlight showing brilliantly through the window. Dust particles floated in the light, flying through the air as you opened the door to the laundry room. The room was warm, cluttered, and dim, as the only light source was the window, and it was already sunset. You walk in, and are greeted by the most delicious looking berries you've ever seen. Or is that just your monkey brain talking?(Sans catches you pondering the nature of Tide Pods™ in the laundry room)Critics call it "KINDA UNFUNNY FOR WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE FIC, YEAH?"





	Primal Instincts UwU

It was nearly sunset, rays of sunlight showing brilliantly through the window. Dust particles floated in the light, flying through the air as you opened the door to the laundry room. The room was warm, cluttered, and dim, as the only light source was the window, and it was already sunset.

You walked into the laundry room, the rubbery soles of your slippers slapping against the tile floor and filling the room with noise. The air was thick, but warm and comforting. The dryer quietly hummed, drying your previous load. The room smelled dusty, with a hint of the cloying and floral scent of fabric softener. You sighed and looked at the shelves, filled with products. Would you use detergent or pods this time?

"kid, i haven't got all day. do you wanna watch the movie or not? just stop being so wishy washy," Sans shouted from the living room, "unless you plan on finally finishing the laundry any time soon, that is."

Groaning at his pun, you responded with a slightly exasperated "In a second!" and decided on the pods, since Sans was rushing you. You didn't really have time to pour out the detergent, and you honestly couldn't even see it behind all the bleach, stain remover, and bottles of various fabric softeners. You grabbed the bag of Tide Pods™ and proceeded to load your Laundry™ into the empty washer.

It's a pretty large load (uwu) -- you've been holding off on your laundry for a bit longer than normal -- so you grab two or three pods from the bag. You toss them in, and as you hold the last pod in your hand, you freeze.

  
The plastic is shiny, showing off the beautiful, brightly colored liquid within. The bright colors shimmer under the soft plastic, seemingly malleable but still slightly firm. It looks soft, fragile. Like you could take a bite at any time and the dense sweet-smelling liquid would just pop out, like one of those gusher candies. Like fruit.

It looks like fruit.

You roll it around in your hand, feeling the silky soft plastic covering and lightly squeeze the dense liquid inside of the pod. The silken plastic is just fragile enough to melt or pop in your mouth. It feels just as delicate as it looks, a thin covering begging for something sharp to puncture it and be rewarded with the... for lack of a better word, _fruits_ of their labor. It looks like a cherry; all soft, sweet flesh with a thin skin that's just as delicious. The only real difference is that this is at least three to five times larger than your average cherry, and there's no pit.

It feels like fruit.

You raise it to your nose and take a deep breath. The smell isn't too subtle; it's the sweet, cloying, fruity smell with floral undertones that permeates the rest of the laundry room. You'd almost say it smells vaguely of rot, but less unpleasant. It's just as sickeningly sweet, but not in a way that makes you wary of poisoning ('although maybe you should be,' something says in the back of your mind.) It makes you want to bite down, taste it. See if the flavor is just as delicious as the smell.

It smells like fruit.

Your pupils dilate and you begin to sweat. Millions of years of evolution, culminating in this one moment. Half of your brain is screaming 'taste it, eat it, it's a fruit, a berry,' pressuring you to eat before you've no food left to hesitate over. Your primal instincts are only countered by the other half of your brain, telling you over and over again that it's poison. You know it's poison, but poison has never looked this _tasty._

You hadn't noticed Sans yelling at you to hurry up, nor his concerned walk to the laundry room. You barely noticed his soft "what the fuck" at the sight of you staring at this poison with a fucking ravenous expression.

"kid. babe. it's detergent. what the fuck are you doing?" He looked disgusted, but curious. What in god's name could possibly be motivating this? Who in their right name would want to eat a fucking _tide pod_?

You slowly tear your eyes away from the tide pod, staring at Sans now. Your voice is soft and low as you whisper, "It's fruit, Sans. It looks like fruit. It feels like fruit. It smells like fruit. Something in the back of my mind is screaming at me to devour this stupid fucking thing, some instinct telling me that this is an appropriate meal. It looks like fucking candy. It looks like _fruit_."

Sans just stares at you in disbelief.  
"you're going to eat a packet of poison... because it looks like fruit." His voice is deadpan, lacking any hint of disapproval, and yet you still feel chastised.

"I'm not going to eat it, it's just that... It looks so fucking juicy. It looks like I could just pop it in my mouth and let it melt," you mumble, sounding vaguely ashamed.

"but you fucking can't. it's poison. it's fucking _soap_ , you dumbass. just throw it into the laundry," he says, incredulous in the face of your obsession with these fruity treats.

"I know, I know, it's poison, whatever. Just let me look at it a bit longer."

Sans yanked the pod out of your hand with his magic, throwing the poisonous 'fruit' into the washer, where the force of the impact immediately popped the thing as soon as it hit the clothes. You feel a strange mixture of disappointment, loss, and relief. No longer do you have to ruminate on the edibility of the Tide:™ Fruit™ Flavored™ Tide™ Pods™. As the sunset outside the window finally hits the horizon, you pull Sans into a kiss, except not really because he doesn't even have lips. At first it was kinda more of a nuzzle, but then he mumbled something about 'jumping his bones' and started laughing, at which point you slipped your tongue into his jaw.

Ah shit, wait, skeles don't have tongues. Guess you're never getting to first base, then. He chuckled, low and soft and making you feel a bit dizzy. "Uh, Sans, I'd really love to watch that movie but I think I'm a little too tired."

"aww, come on. i've waited this whole time."

"Really Sans, just a bit longer. We can watch it later." You were whining, and had the decency to look at least a little ashamed.

"kid, you're really..." He smirks

You mumble 'oh god, not again' and brace yourself for his shittiest pun yet.

"toxin my patience."

BA DUM TSS

**Author's Note:**

> Please, lord, forgive me for my terrible writing.
> 
> Well, I tried, and that's what matters, yeah? He's out of character but at least all of his lines are in lowercase.  
> If you see any typos, please comment. I didn't have a beta, wrote this all in like an hour.


End file.
